How I Became Grossly Overweight

I have a terrible new hobby.

Baking,

I was browsing the internet at work and came upon a book that piqued my interest. That book is Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking, by Michael Ruhlman. Now you might think it is odd for me to be interested in any kind of cooking, since I really only enjoy meat, pasta, candy and any combination of those three things, especially if you melt mozzerella cheese on top of it.

While the idea behind the book is interesting for sure (learning the basic formulas of food and then experiment and expand on them with no need for recipes), what stopped me in my web surfing tracks was this.

A sweet ass Bread Wheel!

Countless times I, and many other philosophers, have wondered what exactly the difference between pancake batter and crepe batter is. What makes muffins sort of cake, but not really? Now the mystery is solved. My mind was blown when I saw that all that seperates a Fritter from a Popover is one extra part of flour. This is real life magic.

After obtaining the book, I did what I do with any instructional material. I skimmed through half of it and then went of half-cocked and attempted to create something.

Cookies were picked as my starting point. For the past three weekends I have made them. I started of baking with the very basic ration in the book which is 1 Sugar, 2 Fat, 3 Flour. This cookie is on the crunchy side and obviously doesn't have much in the way of interesting taste, but hey, it was an actual cookie, and I didn't chip a tooth or give birth to a colony of intelligent parasites in my gut.

With the attempts that followed I experimented with the ingredients and ratio of each. My goal was to figure out how to make a cookie that was chewy, and this weekend I achieved it! Go me.

Now the question is, what kind junk do I want to throw in there. I did the whole chocolate/peanut butter chip thing. It seems odd that I've spent large portions of my week conjuring up different flavor ideas in my head when normally I would looking at strange women and wondering what they'd look like nude and in my house.

I've mainly just been thinking about what are in my cabinets and then combining them together. This has led me to amazing flavors such as maple syrup/cashew and Cap'n Crunch/bourbon. I have also decided at some point I would like to make scotch and sodabread, but that is much farther down the road of my doughy journey.

I would also like some help in switching my wardrobe over to mostly items with an elastic wasitband. What cookies do you like that I should eat? What never before seen cookies from myth and fantasy would you like to see made?

Goose Egg

After a disappointing journey across the globe attempting to have sex with all of the people I am allowed to, I have returned with an 0 fer. I came relatively close to intercourse a time or two. Once when I watched Kevin Bacon fuck in a hammock for 2 and a half hours. Also, Betty White taught me what an "Macedonian Tongue Shovel" is. I learned by doing.

Now that my quest is abandoned I am free to enjoy the rest of the summer in the usual fashion. This includes deluding myself into thinking I will actually go to the beach and take off my shirt and cutting 65 percent of the legs off of my jeans.

I also plan to spend much time strolling around neighborhoods with a boombox on my shoulder that is blasting the ice cream truck music. When the children run outside, I will laugh at their disappointed faces. Then I shall ease on down the road.

A List of People I Can Have Sex With

The following list has been submitted by my girlfriend in response to my previous post:

(Links instead of pictures because they don't get me frustrated to the point of pissing blood)

Betty White

Dita Von Teese

Dolly Parton

Chuck Bass

Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine or Marlon Jackson 

Cate Blanchett 

Jennifer Aniston if you promised not to break her heart

Alanis Morrisette

Kevin Bacon

Lynne Spears

Any of the Real Housewives of New York, except the countess (Find it yourselves.)

And any of the people on my list, except for Padma Lakshmi

After reviewing this submission I have decided to consider it as a "To Do List."

Cate Blanchett better watch her white ass because I am comin' for it.

7 People My Girlfriend Can Have Sex With

Intercourse with any of the following people will not result in our relationship ending, provided she doesn't leave me for them.

1. Any openly gay celebrity

2. Anderson Cooper

3. Rusty Staub

4. Padma Lakshmi

5. Henrik Lundqvist

6. Ron from The Biggest Loser

7. Famous Amos

I may start a list of the people i would least want her to pork. The number one spot would definitely be held by Ed begley Jr. due to his massive cock. I'll update you as it forms.

If you have an question regarding the reasons for including any of these people on my list, please feel free to ask.

If You Would Be So Kind

To name three people you find interesting, something you consider to be valuable and a terrible problem.

Thank you!

Where the hell am I?

I don't have the foggiest.

That is to say, I am physically still in the same exact place I was 2 months ago when I was semi-regularly dropping a steaming pile onto this thing called a blog. Mentally it seems this is not the case. 

There have been plenty of occassions since my previous entry where I have thought of or blurted out something I thought would be worth typing out for 6 other people to enjoy and get a laugh out of, but I fail to make note of them and they quickly fade from my brain as they are replaced by masturbatory fantasies involving members of the WPIX Morning News Team. Oh Tiffany McElroy, you always keep me up between 5 and 6 AM.

So yeah, it has been difficult to find the elusive combination of motivation and material that fuels me to stop playing browser games at my desk for an hour. In the past it may have manifested itself as the tag team of my never-ending lust for attention and a story of how I ruined a chance at having sex by sucking on a girl's nipple for 10 minutes too long. Currently I only seem to have one or the other. I may feel the unrelenting need for approval from strangers overtake me, but I lack a subject. On another day I may encounter a strange subway derelict who seems to get his jollies by farting on the bare legs of other passengers, but at the same time have coma-like brain patterns. I got no chemistry.

My girlfriend has been very encouraging in trying to get me to post more often, and I appreciate that very much. However she refuses to allow me to start dating which I believe would definitely bring me a wealth of self-embarrassment that i would gleefully share with all y'all. Actually she said I could start dating as long as she could also. I refused this offer based on it's obvious high levels of unfairness. If I go on a date I will wind up wearing pants with a hole in the crotch or casually mention how I used to show my dick on the internet all the time back in the day. If my girlfriend were to go on a date she would probably meet someone very mature who doesn't find everlasting discomfort from tucking in a shirt and will unhook her bra quickly and without self-congratulatory cheering.

That's all I got.

Isn't it Romancive?

At the suggestion of Diane, who I will from now on assume has the last name Chambers, I will lay out my plan for Valentines Day. She, for some reason, assumed I will need assistance with it. I doubt this very much.

Before the day of Valentines even begins, some preparation must be done. This will mainly take the form of a full Friday night worth of personal private region grooming and upkeep. For what better way to show you care than to present your genitalia to her all streamlined and slick. No I will not consider any kind of pubic topiary as it has caused me to be dumped multiple times.

I have rented a hotel room for the evening in bustling Manhattan where love flourishes amongst the towers of concrete and might. This is always a solid move for Valentine's Day because a lady feels very special when you mount her in a foreign setting.  For any of you who would still like to do this for your lady, I suggest you expand your search to hotels with shared bathrooms, for their deals can not be beat, and your girlfriend will appreciate your thoughtfulness during our economic crisis.

Now of course, before we get to the hotel room, we must engage in other activities to help set the mood for romance. I figured it never hurts to go with the old classics, so I will be taking my lady friend to dinner and a show. I will tell her to meet me at the restaurant at 6 PM sharp on Saturday night. The restaurant is a personal favorite of mine, and I will dine on my preferred dish there, a huge chicken parmigiana hero. I think they have salads there, so she can have that. I would do this normally, but that night I will definitely make a point to be a gentleman and carry her tray to our table for her.

After eating at this place we will probably be stuffed to the gills, so going to a theater and being able to sit down will be muy beneficial. There  are a large number of shows out right now, so it is difficult to pick which one is the best to take my girlfriend to on this most special of evenings. I am honestly still undecided, but I will admit to leaning towards Paul Blart: Mall Cop because Taken may be a bit too depressing for Valentine's Day.

After the movie we will hopefully be in good spirits and make our way back to our hotel room. I plan on surprising her with a bouquet of flowers in the room, and possibly an array of colorful cupcakes which I will of course offer to feed her as she lays in bed. This is when I will bring out her Valentine's Day gift.

My girlfriend has been talking about wanting  a puppy for almost an entire friggin year now. I'm pretty sure if she gets one, she will love it more than me, but I am OK with that because it just takes some of the pressure off me. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, neither of us have enough free time these days that you would need to devote to a new dog.  So in lieu of a puppy I decided to purchase my girlfriend a puppy shirt instead. It is a lovely shade of pink and there is an adorable drawing of a golden retriever puppy ironed on to the front of it. There is also a sparkly flower.

Our evening will end with vigorous lovemaking which, thanks to my man-kegels I've recently started during my commute, will end in time to lay in bed, watch SNL and discuss how shitty it is these days.

I hope she doesn't read this and ruin the surprise.